The Mathematics of Awesomeness
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: It began with an offhand comment about a dress. It ended with a mathematical nightmare...


**The Mathematics of Awesomeness**

"Er, Twilight? You in here?"

_Silly question. Of course she is. Why wouldn't she be?_

_But it's all dark._

_Am I talking to myself?_

_Shut up and get the damn book._

Rainbow Dash shook her head and walked into the Ponyville Library. A quick hoof in, a quick hoof out. That was all it would take for her to get the new release of _My Life and Times with the Wonderbolts_. It was a book, true, and it would require reading, and therefore, sitting around doing nothing. But with the Grand Galloping Gala coming up, she'd stomach anything if it meant getting in her idols' good graces. And that included raving on about their latest release…in addition to the latest manoeuvres of course.

"Twilight?"

But first, that meant getting the actual book. Which was proving to be a bigger hurdle than she'd imagined given that the library was pitch black. True, she'd arrived before dawn, but even so, that had never stopped Twilight "the Egghead" Sparkle from being out and about, anymore than it had stopped her from doing calisthenics at-

"Rainbow…"

"Eeee!"

It was a scream. A scream that Rainbow felt like kicking herself for. _Real _pegasi didn't scream, dammit. But still, the sight before her…

"Run…run…"

It was Spike. Or at least a dragon that had the same voice, height, and width of Spike. But cast as he was in the shadows, she couldn't be sure.

"Get out while you can…"

Scratch that, it definitely was Spike. And as he stumbled towards her, Rainbow braced herself for the inevitable. Blood, guts, bruises…she'd seen enough movies to know where this went. There was even this weird comic called _Cupcakes _going around.

"While…you…can…"

He stumbled into the light. A light cast by a candle he had just illuminated. And Rainbow Dash gasped…

…and raised an eyebrow.

He looked fine. A little tired, a little drowsy, but otherwise fine. Seeing Spike looking tired was like seeing Rarity wailing about some itsy bitsy mishap. Not a constant, but with enough regularity to make such occurrences a given in life.

"Er, Spike?" Rainbow asked. "You okay?"

"Mad….mad, I tell you…"

"Who?" she asked, watching the dragon curl up on the floor at her hooves. "Who's gone mad?"

"Twi…Twi…"

"Hmm, sorry, don't know anyone named Twi."

"Twi…"

"I knew an Iwt once though. Strange guy. He claimed that this was actually the fourth generation of Equestria, and three generations ago there were these strange creatures called humans and-"

"Superstitious nonsense."

Rainbow let out a yelp. Twi…Twilight, of course, who else could Spike have been referring to (though, granted, Iwt was mad as well). That, and the voice, the tone, the words…who else could dismiss such claims as nonsense out of hand?

_Well, anyone I suppose._

"Ah, Rainbow," said Twilight, trotting out of the shadows, her horn providing illumination. "I didn't expect to see you so early."

"Um, yeah," said Rainbow, casting a gaze at Spike, currently snoring away while mumbling something about muffins, portals, and cupcakes being a lie. "I was, er, wondering if you-"

"Cracked the code?" Twilight asked, drawing her eyes close to Rainbow's, allowing the pegasus to see how bloodshot they were. "Almost there Rainbow. In fact, you can help me."

"Actually, I was wondering if you had a copy of-"

"Behold!" Twilight declared, shooting something from her horn at the ceiling. It hit a lamp, sparking a fire, and illuminating the room. "The Mathematics of Awesomeness!"

Rainbow gasped as she saw the blackboards all around her. Equation after equation, none of which made sense. It was like being back at school. No, scratch that, at school in a dream, when you forgot your underwear…not that ponies wore underwear…she'd have to check where that idea came from…

But even wearing underwear made more sense than the madness she beheld all around her. Casting a desperate gaze at Spike, now murmuring something about a purple dragon called Spyro being a copy, she began to realize what he'd been getting at.

_Mad. The egg's cracked. She's lost it._

_The door. Go to the door._

_Am I talking to myself again?_

_Have I had breakfast? I'm hungry._

"So, what do you think?" Twilight asked.

_Too late._

"Um, well…" Rainbow Dash felt a bead of sweat trickle down her mane. "It's…er…"

"I heard what Rarity said," Twilight continued, smiling as only the mad could. "About your twenty percent cooler thing."

"Huh? You mean when we were having her make those dresses?" Rainbow asked. "I might have said something-"

"Your dress," said Twilight firmly. "The one you had custom made with the rest of us. You said, and I quote, 'it needs to be about twenty percent cooler.'"

"Um…yeah…I said that," said Rainbow nervously. "Yeah, of course. I remember."

It was a lie. She might have said such a thing, she couldn't have been sure. All she remembered from that debacle was wanting her dress, and wanting it to be cool. She might have attached a percentage to it, but if so, it had been a spur of the moment thing.

But looking around at the blackboards, she had to admit, Twilight might have been right. None of the equations made sense. But a percentage sign was popping up at most of them. Not that this didn't mean Twilight had lost it though. Again.

"Exactly," Twilight said. "Twenty percent cooler." She trotted over to one of the blackboards, levitating a duster. Rainbow dared to hope that she was bringing this insanity to an end.

"Twenty percent," Twilight said. "So what's one percent then? I figure if I can narrow it down, I could multiply it to a point of one-hundred percent awesomeness."

"Coolness," Rainbow said (_idiot, don't egg her along_). "And, er…it's a turn of phrase Twilight. It doesn't mean anything."

"Course it means something," said Twilight, not taking her gaze off the board, or the chalk she was using to write a new equation. "Everything means something. Even if we don't know it yet."

"Um, yeah," said Rainbow. "Listen Twilight, I just want a book, okay? I'll just borrow it and be out of your mane."

"Never!" Twilight declared, her eyes blazing. "Not until I solve this equation." Her horn glowed, and the door slammed shut, locked and bolted. "And you, Rainbow, are going to help me."

Rainbow cast one last look at Spike. The dragon was still asleep. Murmuring something about gold, and a dragon named Smaug being a ruthless tax collector.

"Alright," said Twilight, handing Rainbow a chalk piece. "In your own words, explain what is required to reach the twenty percent cooler figure. If we can get that, then we can work our way down." She giggled. "Or up! Multiply it by five!"

Rainbow gulped, three thoughts on her mind.

One: Twilight had lost it. Again.

Two: She'd be lucky to get her book by the end of the day.

Three: She actually hadn't had breakfast yet.

Doing her best to write something meaningful, Rainbow supposed she'd be lucky to get lunch at this rate.


End file.
